La Vie en Noir
by Misao Silent-mode
Summary: "Life in Black". Time goes by and fate surrounds the Aoi-ya tragically. Meanwhile, Aoshi starts to see the real colors of life. (a slight spoiler for those who didn't watch the last OVA)
1. Green

La vie en noir

It hurts my eyes. I do not care for the sun, it does not matter how high it is. It just bothers me. My head is down and aside, but I do not look at the floor. 

I squint. I sharpen my eyes and look around: it is all green, but for the dummy right in front of me. I clench. I tighten my fingers around my swords' _tsuka_, my _kodachi_ dangling along my skimpy body. I brood over. I repeat in my mind, as a _mantra_, the movements I am longing for on my training.

"Run... jump... cross... cut... run... jump... cross... cut... Run. Jump. Cross. Cut. Run, jump, cross, cut, runjumpcrosscutrunjumpcrosscut..."

I scream, I am partially kneeling on the ground, my arms are stretched back. Behind me, the dummy falls apart in four straight pieces. I am not alone.

I hear a muffled gasp from behind a bush. I recognize this gasp, as well as its owner's _ki_. There is someone else with her, whose _ki_ I feel as well, but I do not know who. "Misao-chan?"

She appears in front of me and giggles. "You'll never stop calling me like this, will you, Aoshi-anata?". I smirk. Her eyes have a strange deep-green look, mixing joy and a strange fear that I have never seen before.

"Are thou affraid?"

"N-no..." she stutters, prooving to be an awsome liar. And despite this fright of hers, she smiles.

I look around: that weak _ki_ is still bothering me, for I do not know who is it from. "Are thou alone?"

She giggles once again and I understand nothing. "No, Aoshi-anata." she answers and looks down to the ground.

Affraid of what it could be, I scrutinize all the corners, all the bushes, al the possible hide-outs: nobody but me and Misao. She gets closer and places her small hands on my shoulders, trying to reach for my neck. "Were thou going to tell me anything?"

"Hm, no... Nothing for the moment..." she embraces me, snuggling her head on my chest. Awkwardly I try to caress her hair, yet a bit annoyed with her stillness -what was it after all?

Some minutes we spend like this and she walks away. I pay attention to the _ki_: hers goes fading away, and the weaker one does too, the same bit as hers. It takes me some minutes to realise she did not look to the ground: shee looked to her stomach.


	2. Blue

La Vie en Noir

II- Blue

I lay on the floor and gaze the pale blue sky, scattered mauve clouds blotched on it. Nothing can spoil my vision. I feel divine.

I had not trained for six months now, yet I do not miss it. Maybe I had lost the need to push away the wrong with things I wanted to believe that were right, but in reality I knew that were useless. Now I found out what my past does mean, I quit this obsession and just do my life, brick by brick. I have been affraid of hurting this divinity I had reached, the peace that came back to my heart after so long away, and maybe that is why I denied my swords.

I do not know when I got this prolix, but the fact is that I am. Not only in what I say but also in what I think. Maybe it is a kind of prelude for my becoming a father. I got used to things, such a way I do not need any explanations or labels to life. Misao can understand me even when I do not say a word, but a child must be taught. The world will be a new experience, and obvious things are so difficult to see that we must state each detail of the hard task of being.

Or maybe I got like this to replace Misao. The last three months have been developing hard to her, she had grown tired, silent and had curled up herself in our room. Seldom can I see her around the building or here outside, and when I do is because I brought her. Maybe I began talking and thinking too much in an effort not to get used with silence, for she does not shout or hop around anymore due to a strange sickness she has been through. It is making me worried, as well as everybody here in Aoi-ya, due to Himura and Kamyia-san's recent death caused by an illness that no one understood either. Nobody knows how long it will last, but I do not want to come back to the crust of silence I had drown into in the past until Misao is able to shiver my world again, this time with our daughter.

Yes, she claims it is a girl. Somehow I believe her.

She is now wan and pale, but I still can recognize she is my Misao, despite all the changes she's been through. I see her, strong and hopeful, in every new and slow movement she makes. I can see her eyes shine bright when she stares at the sun. They look darker now, a shocking blue, still joyful though, not letting me forget who is my Misao-chan.

Nothing can take me away from the blue sky now.


	3. Grey

La Vie en Noir

III- Grey

I do not pace around impatiently. I do not sit quietly and have a cup of tea. I locked myself at what had been my room before me and Misao got officially engaged.

And there is the weather: grey. There is a heavy storm outside, a white water veil hinders my sight of outside. Yet that kind of days do not remind me Misao.

I thought I would never be able to stare at the rain without recalling my wife, the time I poured myself in self-comiseration and locked in the temple to purge my sins. But those were not simply rainy days. No, those were bright green rainy days, even stormy, but always green. Green days when she clasped an umbrella and headed to the temple under heavy rain, just to avoid my getting a cold, as if I would die for weting myself a little. Her worry made me feel warm.

Nothing alike this grey weather outside.

I can not prevent from hearing the screams. I get out from the room and stand at the hallway, where I see Omasu's worried face, coming back and forth, each time she passes with some different stuff on her hands.

The screams are not much louder than into the room. In reality I thought Misao did not have lungs enough to shout like that anymore. But she does, and that disheartens me. Among her muffled screams and groans, I hear my name once or twice. I am too weak to break through though.

Her voice ceases but for some painful moans and harsh loud breath. Now I pace the way I had not paced before.

My body stiffens as I hear the first cries. I can not wait anymore, and I break into the room. Okon steps aside and leaves: there I see Misao, folded legs, bundled hair, closed eyes, sweat and blood all around, a small bundle wrapped on her arms. I can not do anything but smile timidly.

"Okina will be very proud of thee." I chuckle awkwardly, coming closer.

"Of us." she opens her eyes, unfolding the bundle and showing me she had given birth to a girl. I stare at her green and wet eyes, so bright and happy despite the tiring, then to our tinny daughter. I smirk. When I turn to Misao again, she had already closed her eyes. I move back, lean her head to my leg and hold her hand.

"_Aishiteru_" I whisper, for she sighs and I wait. I know I will never see that green smile again.

My Misao-chan ceases to exist on this grey day.


	4. Black

La Vie en Noir

IV- Black

I burried Misao's corpse myself. I had to do it, for I was the only person she told the place she wanted to rest to. That very day I asked Omasu to take care of our child and took my Misao-chan to our last goodbye.

Their four stones were standing there for almost sixteen years then. I feared digging and finding their heads still there, but I had to fight the fright. She made me leave my fear silently so many times that I should not let her down now: I had to proove I had grown strong. "I know they will take good care of thee." I said her, as if she could hear me.

A shallow thomb I made with my bare hands and there I placed her helpless body. For some minutes I could do nothing but stare. She looked pale and yet so beautiful, so dear as I had always seen her, that it was hard for me to burry her. But that had to be done. I wept like a child, alone, over her burried body.

I have been spending three days with our daughter in my arms all the time. My eyes always fixed on her face, scrutinizing her lines and finding ressemblances with Misao. Her cheeks, just under her eyes, her eyebrowns, her forehead, her mouth. Okina told she looks just like me, but all I can find on my child's face is my Misao-chan. In each trace, in each sound she makes, her sniffs, her moans, her cries: Misao lies there, reborn in my arms.

All this time I have been silent, absolutely silent. I am waiting for the time our child will open her eyes. I need to see if they are like Misao's. I do not want to ever forget her gaze in my life. And each movement our daughter makes, each new motion the world gives her the chance, my heart throbs soundly and my shoulders stiffen.

She sniffs, her tinny tinny hands move up to her face, she yawns softly. I smirk sadly. And she finally lets her small eyelids slip up. My eyes get startled: she has narrow eyes, just like mine. Ocean-green narrow eyes, thick black eyelashes around them.

I am affraid of being, our child helping me up in my arms. I close my eyes and all I see is black.


	5. Silver

La Vie en noir

V- Silver

The night is cold. I wake up from a heavy sleep. By my side our tinny Nagori-chan breaths silently.

Cautiously I come from under the blankets, in an effort not to uncover our daughter. I get my overcoat and put it on, still wearing my sleeping suit. I creep beneath the silver moonlight to the place where I would find Misao in other times, following me: the temple.

I get upstairs sneakly and sit down, at the very place I used to. I look to outside the building. The sky is dark and absolutely blank. No stars at all. All is just the same, but for the moon, pusillanimously spiting its pale-silver light over me and throughout the place. It does not hurt me like the sun. On the contrary: it is just the much of light that lights and embraces as well. Yes, it lights.

I scrutinize the floor. I sigh. I glimpse a stained spot at the wooden floor. Misao's awkwardness because of having spilled the tea she prepared for me comes to my mind. I can still hear her cursing the floor for having causing her fall. I giggle.

I feel a strong _ki_ behind me. Allarmed, I turn my head to see a pair of narrow ocean-green eyes staring at me. I get startled -how could she know I was here?

She runs in small steps -as wide as her legs can- and heaves herself on me. I should tell her off, but so amazed she got me that I can not do but embrace her and snuggle her on my lap.

"What--What are thou doing here?" I stutter, her small face hidden in my overcoat. As I repeat the question, firm and slowly, she raises her eyes and gaze me.

"Will you get mad at me, daddy?" she cries, making me loose grip and smirk.

"No, Nagori-chan. Dad is not getting mad at thee." I mess her hair, then I remember to tell her off. "But thou should not--"

"I woke up and daddy wasn't there, and I didn't want to be alone because I was affraid, and I thought daddy was sick or sad and I didn't want daddy to be sad, so I came see what happened to daddy that you left in the middle of the night." she gabbles, clenching my coat. I am still puzzled with her attitude, yet asking myself... 

"How did thou know dad would be here?" I let slip.

"I searched throughout the building, in every place, but I didn't find daddy, so I got affraid because I thought daddy would run away and I got outside and I saw footprints on the floor and they were very very big, so I thought they were daddy's and then I followed them and I saw you here and I came upstairs." she speaks quick and continuously. I can not do anything but stare at her, for many many minutes. She is keen, too sharp for a four-year-old girl. Yes, she has _ninja_ blood in her veins. She is a genuine _onmitsu_.

She frowns. "Are you alright, daddy?" I smirk and nod. She smiles so wide at me that I can feel warmth so deep again. She curles up in my coat and I rock her for some minutes, staring at the moon. When I look back to her, her eyes are closed. I can not prevent from an annoying _déjà vu_.

I sigh in relief: my daughter sleeps beneath a blessing silver moonlight.


	6. White

La Vie en Noir

VI- White

It hurts my eyes. It does not matter how high it is, it just annoys my eyes.

My swords craved for my hands and I could not resist them. Here I am.

I take life the best I can. I raise Nagori-chan the way I know. Maybe I have been doing a good work. But the truth is that I do miss my Misao-chan. Yet she is everywhere.

I had been a misled man, I took right for wrong and burried my essence in a wayward time of my life. I tried to fix my mistakes alone, but I would not get along like that. I was affraid of being misled again, and I drew in a crust of silence, so that nobody could reach me and I could not let anybody down. But this was also wrong, and it was Misao to show me that. It was her to help me burry fear, and like this heal my own wounds.

It was me who learned though.

She tought me how to be a better person. I had tought her how to be a person. Maybe I had tought myself through her. Anyway, the fact is that I would not have left much of my bitterness if it was not for my Misao-chan. Her abscence makes me feel groundless, for I lost, at the same time, my master and my apprendix.

No, I did not get used to it.

I am frightened again. I can not let our Nagori-chan down. The same fright I had felt before. But where is my Misao-chan to help me now? Can I get along without her around?

What am I saying? I did not change. Maybe I have been getting bitter again for loosing her... I do not feel secure. Some of my foundations had been broken and I just feel its effects on people around now. Will I come back to what I used to be?

I do not concentrate on my movements. A white ray of light hides the dummy from my sight. Run... Jump... I am back to my... Cross... Cut... sad and gloomy world... Run... that I had... Jump... experienced before... Cross... Cut... I have to drop out... Run... while there is... Jump... time... Cross, Cut!

A slow attack. Himura had shown me, twenty years ago, on our last battle. I stole my concentration away. It does not come right because there is something that concernes me.

I feel a tug on my trousers. Looking down, I see my daughter gazing me with joyfull astonishment. "Daddy fights so well! My daddy's the best! Will you do that again, daddy? Will you? Please, do that again!" she cheers, jumping and yet tugging my pants. I step back and have the impression to hear a whisper and a chuckle. "Don't be affraid, _anata_..."

I place my _kodachi_ on the ground and take Nagori in my arms. She draws her face on my shoulder, her small braid whips my face. I giggle. In front of me, over her shoulders, I can not see the dummy. Just the white ray of sun. "What to do now, Kami-sama?" I think in silence. "What to do now, Misao-chan?"

Why am I asking for help? It is up to me now.

White. I close my eyes, but the light surrounds me, so that I see a kind of white screen. White... So pure is this color... Not a blotch, not a bright, no thickness. Looking to it I realise how miserable I am. How misarable are all of us. I realise I have been living my life so waywardly, from my birth up to now. I realise the real colors of my world, covered by the colors Misao tried to paint while she was with me and that I tried to keep when she left me. Useless. It is useless to try to hide. I am sorry, Misao-chan, but all I see is ...

All I can see is the black screen revealing behind the cheerful colors that fade in each sketch of my existence. I lived all my life in black. _J'ai fait toute ma vie en noire_.

.:Author's Notes:.  
Hey there. I hope you enjoyed this one. The end is maybe kind of confuse, but I tried to make it the closest to Aoshi's disturbed mind I could. Yet it had to be understood, so I don't know if it got to the point! Suggestions? Flames (as Torrence use to say)? Please, review! All the chapters you feel like reviewing!  
Love, Misao Silent-mode


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